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Controlling your anger

Anger may be healthy - if you learn how to handle it.

We see evidence of anger every day—the driver who yells and gestures when we change lanes, the customer in line at the grocery store who swears under his breath at the long wait, the proliferation of TV and radio talk shows whose listeners call in to vent their contempt for the mayor, a football coach, or another caller's opinion. The growing incidence of “road rage” and the taste for violence in our popular culture have led many to conclude that ours is becoming a more angry society.

The idea that unrestrained expression of anger is healthy and helps us rid ourselves of negative feelings has been largely discredited; research has shown that the “let it all out” approach actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help resolve the situation. Suppression and denial, however, can be just as damaging. The key is to take control of and responsibility for your anger and make it work for you rather than against you.

Anger is a normal, necessary human emotion that all of us experience. Anger pushes us to overcome challenges, to solve problems, and to protect ourselves in dangerous situations. It is when we lose control of our anger that it causes problems—at work, in relationships, in our quality of life and even in our physical health.

Anger can be toxic

Like other intense emotions, anger causes physical changes: Heart rate and blood pressure rise, muscles tense, the body produces adrenaline and other energizing chemicals. 

With frequent repetition, especially without a healthy outlet, anger can lead to physical problems such as headaches, sleep problems, digestive disorders, high blood pressure and heart problems. A chronically angry individual is more likely to experience accident or injury (anger impairs judgement), low self-esteem, depression, alcohol or drug abuse and damage to relationships with family, friends and co-workers. Learning to manage anger appropriately is a skill that pays big dividends in all areas of your life.

Anger management involves identifying your anger “triggers,” learning how to calm yourself, analyzing the situation and finding healthy solutions to problems, without hurting yourself or others.

Identify your triggers. 

Anger is generated by how you think about an event, not the event itself. Become aware of people or situations that set you off, and work to change the way you respond to them. Anger distorts our view of the world and the situation and makes it more difficult to find realistic solutions. Replace emotional, irrational behavior with a logical, problem-solving approach. How do you make this shift?

Learn how to calm yourself.

You recognize you're feeling angry and why. Take control of your anger through simple relaxation techniques. Take a “time-out.” Stop what you're doing and remove yourself from the person or situation that triggered your anger. Take a walk around the block or the office. Take slow, deep breaths, breathing from your diaphragm, not your chest. Many people find it helpful to use imagery, visualizing themselves in a relaxing, safe place. Meditation and yoga are often effective as well. Experiment to find the relaxation techniques that work for you.

Analyze the situation.

Once you've calmed your emotions you'll be able to think about the situation more clearly and deal with it constructively. You'll be able to identify the real source of your anger and accept responsibility for finding a solution that works for you. Often we become angry at another when we see something in them that we don't like in ourselves.

Create healthy solutions.

This is sometimes referred to as resolving a problem by finding a “win-win” or mutually beneficial solution. It is possible, in most personal and professional situations, to resolve an issue in ways that preserve dignity and respect for both parties. It also forces us to walk in the shoes of the other person and consider our own role in contributing to the situation.

Express your anger positively.

When communicating your feelings use “I” statements to avoid making the listener feel blamed or criticized. Speak openly and honestly about what you would like to change or see happen in the future. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt; they may not be aware of how a situation or experience is affecting you.

There are other effective techniques for defusing anger. Learning to see the humor in difficult situations puts it into proper perspective and keeps you from taking yourself too seriously, a common trait of angry people. Making vigorous exercise a part of your routine will help release tension and negative energy. Cultivating a hobby you enjoy, expressing your feelings in a personal journal or a letter (you don't have to send it) and getting plenty of rest are simple steps that can make a big difference in how you handle the stress in your life.

Anger management involves changing your way of thinking and behaving and is a skill many people have learned successfully. If you feel that your anger is out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships at work and at home, your EAP can help.

Call your EAP at (414) 257-2124 or 1-800-236-3231.