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When your child becomes a teenager

Parenting is one of the most important jobs you'll ever have—but the only preparation most of us get is “on-the-job-training.” Then just when you begin to relax and enjoy it, your child enters adolescence and all the rules change.

Helen Ponec, MSW, an Aurora Health Care psychotherapist at the New Berlin Counseling Center, says that parents of adolescents are most frequently concerned with how to keep lines of communication open with their teenagers, resolve conflicts effectively, and help their children develop a positive sense of self during this crucial phase of growing up.

“It's important for parents to keep in mind that their adolescent's developmental tasks include struggling with varying degrees of independence and challenging boundaries, all within a relatively self-centered world,” according to Ponec. “Teens can ultimately emerge as loving, sensitive and caring individuals who become increasingly responsible for their behavior.” But as any parent of a teenager can tell you, this evolving process may seem frustratingly slow. Your child may act (or try to act) like an independent grown-up one minute, then become the child who needs a mother or father to lean on the next minute.

“It might help parents to keep in mind their own adolescent years; remembering how you felt as a teenager will help you understand what your child is going through,” suggests Ponec. She has these tips for parents of adolescents:

• Listen and talk to your teenager respectfully, as you might to a friend.
• Don't over-react to your teen's verbal challenges or interpret the challenge as a personal attack.
• Choose your battles. Maintaining a neat room is less important than issues related to drug or alcohol use.
• Determine what's negotiable and what's not. Flexible guidelines are generally better than rigid rules, but teens need and actually want some firm limits (though they rarely acknowledge this to you or even themselves).
• In establishing family rules, take into account each family member's opinions where appropriate.
• Recognize and affirm good behavior.
• Encourage opportunities for your teen to make age-appropriate decisions.
• Even though they may resist parental control, your teen still needs your unconditional love, nurturing, and support, whether they appear to or not.

If you're concerned about your adolescent's behavior, your EAP can offer valuable guidance on discipline, communication, setting limits and evaluating whether professional help may be needed. 

Call your EAP at (414) 257-2124 or 1-800-236-3231.