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Couples and money

Reconciling financial differences is one of marriage's greatest challenges.

“We both work, but I always seem to be stuck with the unexpected expenses like car repairs or a new furnace, because his money just seems to disappear and I'm a saver. I resent being punished for being ‘the responsible one'.”

“She makes important financial decisions without talking to me first. I don't feel like she trusts my judgement where money is concerned.”

There's probably no single issue that causes more conflict between husbands and wives than money. It's often been said that couples find it easier to talk openly about sex than about money.

“Money carries so much symbolism in our society,” says Kathryn Crumpton, a certified credit counselor with Consumer Credit Counseling Service, a program of Aurora Family Service. “Money means freedom and power, and even taps into our most basic emotional needs for security and independence.” It's no wonder that money so often becomes a “lightning rod “ between spouses.

Although gender has some influence in shaping our attitudes toward money, men and women are by no means predictable in how they manage finances. Behaviors are established early in life, based on how our parents treated each other and their children regarding money, the values they communicated by both word and example, whether we felt financially secure or anxious, and messages about money from our culture and the media. 

“Different styles of managing money can often polarize couples and become a means of control or manipulation,” says Crumpton. “Every couple needs one partner who sets limits. Even if neither is a natural limit-setter, one spouse typically ends up taking on that role, if only by default.” Some common polarizations that occur between couples are “hoarder versus spender“  (the most common), “planner versus dreamer,” “joint account versus separate account,” and “risk-taker versus risk-avoider.”

Financial “power plays” often result from such polarizations. The partner who wants to “take care” of their spouse by shielding them from financial realities and decision-making is sending them the message that they're unable to think for themselves and make responsible decisions. “Money martyrs” may use their role as the provider who sacrifices their own needs to keep the other spouse feeling obligated and guilty. 

“Money problems have very little to do with money,” according to Adriane Berg, author of Financial Planning for Couples. Regardless of income level and how long a couple has been married, the same conflicts tend to persist. Couples can, however, use these conflicts to learn about themselves and their relationship, and can learn new patterns that help rather than hinder the accomplishment of their joint financial goals. The key is teamwork. Berg cites four attitudes that are key to creating successful teamwork: Trust, autonomy, fairness and prosperity.

MUTUAL TRUST: Open and honest communication is absolutely key to establishing trust between partners. With trust, teamwork happens naturally.

FINANCIAL AUTONOMY: As long as they plan together, each partner should have some measure of independence in handling money.

A SENSE OF FAIRNESS: Each partner should have a sense of relative equality in the relationship, an expectation that their financial needs and contributions will be respected by their spouse.

PROSPERITY: As opposed to “wealthy” or even “comfortable,” a couple can feel prosperous at any economic level. The attitude of prosperity is characterized by optimism and a belief in the future that motivates wise financial planning. Couples who work together towards common goals are more likely to achieve a financially secure future.

“Even couples with the most divergent styles of managing money can arrive at workable solutions that benefit both partners,” says Crumpton. “A mutual commitment to communicating, setting priorities, and sharing financial decisions is one of the wisest investments a couple can make.” You may even find these principles improving your marriage, as well as your net worth!

Money tips for couples

Credit Counselor Kathryn Crumpton makes these suggestions for couples seeking to improve their financial “teamwork.”

• Set aside a regular time for discussion of money matters; with frequent meetings, less time will be necessary and problems can be avoided. Have facts and figures on paper if possible.
• Develop some short and long-range financial goals together, and check your progress towards your goals regularly.
• Avoid blame, “should” statements and comparisons with how parents, friends or other couples handle money.
• Keep each other informed about all individual assets and debts. 
• Make sure each of you has individual credit cards in your own name. Two good individual credit histories are better than one joint history when applying for a loan. If one of you has a blemished credit record, the other's good record can be a great advantage.
• Divide responsibilities for regular financial tasks as evenly as possible so that neither of you feels you're shouldering more than your share. 
• If both spouses work, many couples find it easier to have a joint household account for routine expenses and a separate personal account for each partner.
• Involve your children in some family financial discussions. They usually want to participate in decisions that affect them, such as plans for a vacation or buying a new VCR or stereo.
• If you think your own or your spouse's spending has gotten out of control, or if you have worries about money that you can't resolve together, seek help immediately from a professional financial counselor. Your EAP provides confidential financial consultation as a benefit to you and your family members. 

Call your EAP at (414) 257-2124 or 1-800-236-3231.