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Success on your own terms

Getting what you want begins with self-awareness

“Be careful what you wish for. You might get it.” That bit of folk wisdom strikes a chord of recognition because most of us have experienced the achievement of a cherished goal, only to be left with a vague feeling of discontent, the realization that what we imagined was the key to perfect happiness was less than we expected. The statement also conveys another truth, that whatever we focus our thoughts on is likely to become reality. That is how powerful the human mind is at achieving what it envisions. Why, then, do so many of us have what we don't want, or want what we don't have?

Listening to your own voice

We are all under the influence of others all our lives, especially when we're young. Our parents and other relatives, our friends and peers, all contribute to a set of expectations that are part of our “life map”, determining our education, job choice, income, who we marry, where we live, and how we raise our children. If these expectations coincide with who we truly are, we are very fortunate. We grow up knowing what we want, pursuing it, and probably getting it. At some point, however, whether in adolescence, middle-age or at some other stage of life, many people realize that their life map is not their own, and what they've put their energy into achieving is not consistent with who they truly are.

“To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only goal of life.”

Robert Louis Stevenson

“Tuning out” the voices of our parents, friends, co-workers, even the media (success as portrayed in advertising and movies) is essential if we are to “tune in” to what it is we really want. Unless your goals are truly and uniquely your own, achieving them will only lead to disappointment and frustration, not the sense of fulfillment and authenticity—the “being what we are”—that brings lasting satisfaction.

This is not to say that others' opinions of us are not important. For most people, relationships with others are key to living a balanced and rewarding life, and are often taken for granted or given low priority when we try to define our own life goals. Yet achieving material success or career status are often hollow victories if we've short-changed our relationships with significant others in the process. 

Clarify your values

Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, awoke one morning to find his own obituary in the paper. It was printed in error; Alfred's brother had died, and a careless reporter wrote about the wrong brother. The obituary gave Alfred a shocking picture of how the world saw him—“the dynamite king,” a man who had grown wealthy from the sale of weapons of destruction, not the scientist and thinker who sought to make the world a more humane place. He resolved to create a legacy that truly reflected his life's ideals, and directed that his fortune be used after his death to honor those who furthered the cause of world peace through the Nobel Peace Prize.

While few of us want to read our own obituary, imagining how you will be remembered is a dramatic way of putting your life into perspective—envisioning the kind of person you want to be and the goals you want to achieve. What would you like a close friend, a family member, and a colleague at work to remember about you? This can help you define what is most important to you, and determine whether you're devoting your time and energy to the things that matter most to you.

A personal statement of your own values and goals may be brief or lengthy, or may change as you grow older, but it can serve as a touchstone for making decisions and setting priorities in your life that truly reflect who you are and who you want to be. Make sure you are following your own values and goals, not someone else's.

According to Ashok Bedi, MD, a psychiatrist at Aurora Health Care and author of Path to the Soul, living “out of synch” with who we really are may be the underlying cause of a variety of physical or emotional symptoms. “Depression is often a messenger of the soul that arrives with the script for reestablishing balance and wholeness in life. Medical and psychiatric symptoms may arise from causes in our personal history, but also serve as catalysts to alter the direction of our lives, pointing us toward something new in the future.”

If you discover you are not living in harmony with who you are, how do you get off the treadmill and change course? Outward change follows naturally from inner change—your thoughts govern your behavior. Once you have made this shift in attitude, everything else follows, including your definition of success. Attaining goals become less important than living each day authentically, in accordance with the values most important to you. 

If your work feels like the right “fit” for you, allowing you to do what you're best at and what brings you satisfaction, you are fortunate, for you have found a “calling” rather than just a job. A workplace characterized by people who are passionate about what they do is one where everyone is empowered to achieve, and encourage others to achieve. Individually and collectively, they can accomplish extraordinary things.

“To find the best in others,
To leave the world a bit better—
To know even one other life has breathed easier because you have lived—This is to have succeeded.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Call your EAP at (414) 257-2124 or 1-800-236-3231.