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Is love all you need?

Marriages that endure are based on a foundation of love and commitment

Can you name your spouse's closest friends? Do you know what his or her most cherished life dreams are? According to new research into what makes marriages succeed or fail, knowing the answer to questions like these are a strong indicator that couples have established a level of understanding and intimacy that will help them weather the inevitable storms without sinking their marriage.

Despite the fact that half of all marriages end in divorce, surveys show that Americans value a happy marriage above all else—above money, rewarding work, even health. Ninety percent of Americans marry, and of those who later divorce, 75% remarry (though second marriages have even lower odds of lasting). What makes this most intense and complex of relationships between two people thrive or fail? Does marriage have to be a game of chance, with a 50-50 chance of winning?

To find answers, experts in human behavior have been studying the institution of marriage in recent years more scientifically than ever before. Their findings indicate that long-lasting partnerships aren't just a matter of luck. “By studying interactions between couples who are happily married, we can now help many couples work on the skills necessary for successful partnerships,” says Judith Schaffer, Certified Marriage and Family Therapist with Aurora Behavioral Health Services' Bay Shore Counseling Center. “Couples can learn to do more of what works and less of what doesn't.” 

Many of the new approaches to helping couples succeed are based on recent research by John Gottman, a University of Washington psychologist, founder of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute, and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (his most recent book). According to Gottman, anger is not the most destructive emotion in a marriage. Both happy couples and those headed for divorce have just as many disagreements, and over the same things—money, time, housework, sex, children. But how they resolve those differences—or in some areas, simply agree to disagree—is crucial. Handling conflict constructively, in a way that strengthens, rather than damages, the relationship, is a skill that couples can learn (below).

Here are some of the techniques used by couples who argue constructively:

• “Softened start-up's” are used to present complaints, without criticizing, attacking or blaming.
• Frequent “repair attempts” help put the brakes on heated conflict by reaching out to the other spouse, often with humor, to defuse tension and prevent negativity from taking over.
• “Time-outs,” an anger management technique, are taken when conflict gets too intense. Men in particular tend to feel more physical discomfort during arguments and may withdraw altogether (the “fight or flight” syndrome). 
• Taking a break to calm down allows both partners to stay engaged in problem-solving.

More damaging than anger, according to Gottman, and more predictive of divorce, are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. These patterns of interacting between couples indicate emotional distancing and a lack of underlying commitment to the marriage that couples need to weather the inevitable problems. Researchers note that absence of conflict is one of the biggest clues that a marriage is in trouble. In any marriage, there will be some issues that simply cannot be resolved. “About 60 per cent of the differences between couples are these areas of disagreement that are ongoing,” says Schaffer. “Rather than continue to revisit and argue about them, successful couples learn to accept them as ‘part of the package' and recognize that what they love about their partner outweighs the negatives.” 

While emotional venting may have its place for some couples, there are no consistent rules that work for everyone. Gottman describes how one couple reacts to marital upsets. “Allan turns on ESPN. Betty heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in 45 years of marriage have they sat down to have a ‘dialogue' about their relationship.” Far from being a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass all his criteria for a strong and loving relationship and simply choose a method of handling those unresolvable conflicts that works for them. 

Sharing power, embracing change

There are more pressures on marriage than ever before. Gender roles are no longer as clearly defined as in our parents' generation, and old rules are changing. Two-income, time-pressured lives are becoming the norm, and having children places even more stress on couples. (Two-thirds of couples experience a sharp drop in marital satisfaction after the birth of a first child.) The happiest couples were those who saw one another as equal partners who shared household and child-raising responsibilities. In fact, an unequal balance of power between partners is a strong predictor of divorce, according to Gottman's research. Accepting each other's influence is a skill that couples can learn, demonstrating that “us” is more important than “me” in a healthy marriage.

Acceptance of differences and of change in one's spouse is another critical ingredient in lasting marriages. Couples should welcome, embrace and integrate change. The marriage vow is a promise to stay married, not to stay the same.

Often destructive ways of relating between couples become so entrenched that outside help is needed to help break the old patterns and establish new, more positive ones. “One of the frustrations for therapists is that so often couples don't seek therapy until it's too late,” Schaffer observes. “By the time they come to a counselor's office one of them is already emotionally ‘out the door,' and there's not a strong enough foundation to sustain the relationship.” Counseling is far more likely to be effective when couples seek help when problems begin, rather than wait until one spouse is ready for divorce.

Your EAP can assess your situation and offer solutions—whether couples education, self-help materials, counseling, or other resources to help you make the most of this most significant of life's relationships.

Tips for a Happy Marriage

• Talk to each other. Don't expect your partner to read your mind. Be clear about what you want to say, listen carefully, and check out your assumptions to confirm that you heard your spouse accurately.
• Be aware of non-verbal communication. Body language, or an angry or sarcastic tone of voice, can turn a casual remark into an argument. Timing is important, too. Pick the right time and place for important discussions.
• Accentuate the positive. Strong marriages are characterized by frequent expressions of fondness and admiration for each other.
• Accept influence from one another. In harmonious marriages, both husbands and wives take into account their partner's opinions and requests.
• Forgive and let go of the past. Holding grudges can poison a marriage.
• Spend time together. Make your relationship a priority by investing time with your spouse doing things you both enjoy. 
• Celebrate your marriage with thoughtful words and romantic gestures, whether you're newlyweds, “empty-nesters” or great-grandparents. Affection and physical closeness foster emotional connectedness at any age.

Call your EAP at (414) 257-2124 or 1-800-236-3231.