Forgiveness is a concept universally valued (if
imperfectly practiced) by nearly every religious tradition and advanced
civilization. Ninety-four percent of Americans surveyed recently said it
was important to forgive, but only 48% said they usually tried to forgive
others. It may be that readiness to forgive is mistaken for weakness, or
its benefits not truly understood. In recent years, for the first time,
forgiveness has become the subject of extensive scientific research. While
many studies are still underway, early results indicate that forgiveness
is not just an abstract ideal, but has real and powerful benefits on both
physical and emotional health. For example:
Letting go of anger leads to reduced depression,
anxiety and stress (Stanford University).
Cultivating forgiveness can reduce the severity of
heart disease and, in some cases, even prolong the lives of cancer
patients. Heart attack victims who practice forgiveness have been
shown to improve their odds of survival.
People who find it hard to forgive report more medical
symptoms and illnesses than the general population (University of
Wisconsin).
Forgiveness has been used successfully by many family
therapists to reconcile couples when other techniques prove
ineffective (University of Maryland).
The power to heal
One of the pioneers in forgiveness research is Robert D.
Enright, a professor of educational psychology at the University of
Wisconsin - Madison who has been studying forgiveness since the mid-80s.
"Anger manifests itself in so many ways in our society – anxiety,
addiction, depression, domestic abuse, broken marriages and estrangement
of parents or siblings. Forgiveness offers a way for people to heal from
hurt and defuse the resentment that can be so damaging, both to the
individual and to those whom they pass their pain along to – spouses,
children, and future generations."
While it may appear that forgiveness is a gift you give to
the person who hurt or offended you, it is the person who forgives who
truly benefits. Research is showing that being a forgiving person is
essential to emotional, and even physical well-being. "Finding
compassion and empathy for the person who wronged you will contribute to
your own healing," says Enright.
Forgiveness works not only on an individual, interpersonal
level, but has been used to bridge divisions among communities and ethnic
groups. Forgiveness education has been successfully used with groups as
diverse as adolescents at-risk for gang involvement, public school
students in the former Yugoslavia as a means of healing centuries-old
ethnic conflicts, Vietnam veterans coping with post-traumatic stress and
people living with HIV/AIDS.
Forgiving the unforgivable
Another leading researcher on forgiveness is Everett
Worthington, a clinical psychologist, author and professor at Virginia
Commonwealth University, who has done extensive study on the role of
forgiveness in healing marriages and families. In an article published
last December, Worthington contemplated how forgiveness might impact
healing from damage on a far greater scale — the September 11 terrorist
attacks. He acknowledged that in the face of such horrific destruction,
the concept of forgiving seems almost incomprehensible. "When we are
in the midst of a fight, it might even be counter-productive to forgive.
When we gain some temporal distance, though, our thoughts and feelings
might change." Anger, while often a part of the grief process, over
time can cause us to "get stuck" in our need for revenge and
retaliation.
While seeing that justice is served may help the healing
process, even perfect justice will fail to balance the emotional books for
most Americans. Worthington noted that the negative impact of unrelenting
anger, hostility and fear could be reduced to some extent through
"collective telling of stories of courageous firefighters, altruistic
office workers, or heroic passengers" who responded to hatred and
violence with selflessness and love. But only with the passage of time,
when anger and grief give way to greater clarity, will we be able to put
this catastrophic event in its proper historical (and emotional) context.
It's important to note that forgiveness is not
forgetting, nor is it reconciliation. Forgiveness is one person's
response to another's injustice. Reconciliation requires both parties
coming together in mutual respect. Forgiveness is also not a pardon, or
letting the other "off the hook." Forgiveness is an inner
personal release, which is why it is so liberating and beneficial to the
person who forgives.
Steps to forgiveness
Enright describes forgiveness in four phases. As in the
stages associated with grief, all are necessary to reach full resolution
and free ourselves from the tyranny of the past.
Uncovering Phase: The individual becomes aware and
acknowledges the emotional pain and anger resulting from a deep, unjust
injury.
Decision Phase: Recognizing that continued anger
will bring continued pain and other negative consequences – addictions,
depression, low energy and self-esteem, the individual chooses to take the
path of forgiving in order to begin healing.
Work Phase: The forgiving person seeks to think of
the injurer in new ways, as a vulnerable human being, and bring empathy
and compassion toward the offender. The goal is to understand – not to
excuse – the other person.
Outcome/Deepening Phase: The forgiving individual
realizes the emotional relief that results from forgiving, and often
experiences a deeper awareness of self and others. This is the paradox of
forgiveness: As we give to others the gifts of mercy, generosity and love,
we ourselves are healed.
If you're experiencing unresolved anger and resentment
or are having trouble letting go of past wrongs, call your EAP. They can
help you assess your situation and take the first steps toward forgiveness
and healing.
