Living with loss

Death is inevitable, a universal part of the human experience. Yet most of us go to great lengths to avoid the subject, and when death or a life threatening illness disrupts the safety and security of our world, it is an unwelcome reminder of how temporary our lives are.

Perhaps it is part of human nature to want to avoid the pain and sadness that accompany a loved one's death. Dramatic improvements in medical care and longer lifespans have made it easier to see death as an unnatural intruder, unlike previous generations (and many of today's less advanced societies) for whom death was a more familiar and accepted fact of life.

While we are fortunate to live in a society where death, and reminders of our own mortality, are not part of the fabric of our daily lives, it leaves us ill-prepared to deal with the impact of serious or life-threatening illness on ourselves, our loved ones or our co-workers. Knowing what to expect when a crisis or loss occurs, and learning effective coping strategies, won't diminish the pain, but it will help you come to terms with the situation and understand the power, and ultimate benefit, of the grief process.

A recent study revealed that illness or death in the family is the second most common problem affecting workplace performance. The people we work with every day are often a kind of alternative family. Co-workers want to be compassionate and supportive, but may not be sure what to do or say. Illness and loss may stir up unpleasant feelings and fears we prefer to keep below the surface. The unpredictable and intense nature of the emotions that accompany grieving makes it difficult for employers and colleagues to respond appropriately. Should they mention the loss or ignore it? Spend time with the person or allow them more private space? Resume a normal routine or refrain from making any demands on the grieving individual?

Whether the illness is an ongoing, chronic condition (heart problems, clinical depression), progressive (Alzheimer's disease, terminal cancer) or of unknown outcome, each individual will deal with it in his or her own way. Like the grief process, coming to terms with a major illness is extremely personal and will vary widely. As with any major loss, things will never go back to the way they were; the experience will fundamentally change us. But the loss and its meaning can eventually become part of our lives, and this “new” life can again be happy and fulfilling, although different.

Taking care of yourself

For employees dealing with loss, the American Hospice Foundation offers the following suggestions. Understanding the natural course of grief can help you be patient with yourself and others, and foster healing and recovery:

• Learn that there is no time limit on grieving, and that normal grief is unpredictable. Just when you're feeling better again, grief feelings may come flooding back. Holidays and anniversaries may be especially difficult.
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• Honor your memories and acknowledge your loss with traditions that recall happy moments.
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• Take time to rest, to be with people who support you, and to be alone. Put off important decisions.
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• Don't turn away from sadness or anger; allowing yourself to feel painful emotions is a necessary part of the grief process.
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• Take control of the small things. Identify the tasks that can be easily accomplished and give yourself credit for completing them.
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• Discuss your company's bereavement policies with your supervisor and arrange for necessary leave time and other work-related issues and benefits.
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• Understand that others are as inexperienced at offering help as you are at grieving. Don't hesitate to ask if you know what you need.

Survival strategies

Learning to deal psychologically with serious illness is a difficult challenge, but is critically important to our emotional – and physical – well-being. Psychologist Andrew Kneier and Oncologist Ernest Rosenbaum developed these useful guidelines for people facing cancer or other serious illnesses (and for friends or loved ones who want to help):

• Maintain optimism. Being positive about a potentially terminal illness may be difficult, but studies show that maintaining a hopeful outlook affects quality of life and may impact the course of the disease.
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• Strike a balance. Know that the situation may get better, but understand what could go wrong. Realistic expectations will help you prepare for a range of future outcomes.
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• Express your emotions. Staying upbeat doesn't mean squelching your fear and anger. Honestly acknowledging your feelings is both psychologically and physically healthy.
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• Participate in your treatment. Instead of passively accepting what lies ahead, ask your physician about alternative treatment options or natural remedies. Finding out all you can about your illness will give you a greater sense of control and a more positive attitude, both of which have documented benefits for patients.

In addition, co-workers can be a great source of support for a seriously ill individual by:

• Keeping in contact, reminding the absent colleague that they're missed and still “part of the team.” Often contact diminishes if the absence is prolonged; it's important to maintain connections and offer support over the long haul.
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• Respecting privacy. Determine what is confidential and what can be shared, and honor the individual's wishes.
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• Offering specific help. Instead of an open-ended “Is there anything I can do?”, offer to bring over a meal, help with child care, or run an errand.

Often concerned friends or co-workers avoid the ill person because they're uncomfortable or afraid of “saying the wrong thing.” Know that your presence, a sincere “I'm sorry,” and your willingness to listen (when and if your friend is ready to talk) are enough to let them know you care.

While loved ones and co-workers can be valuable sources of informal support, there are a wealth of outside resources to consider. Many churches, hospitals, mental health agencies and hospices offer grief counseling or support groups, which provide a safe place to share with other people experiencing similar challenges or losses. The Internet or your local library can connect you with an array of organizations offering information and support around loss, depression or a host of other mental and physical health problems. Your EAP website has information about grief and loss.

If you or someone you care about is struggling with loss or illness, your EAP is here to help. We can evaluate your situation and recommend options to help you and your family find healthy, positive solutions.