The power of friendship

Intimacy means not only a happier life, but a longer, healthier one.

“The desire for love and intimacy is a basic human need, as fundamental as eating, breathing or sleeping – and the consequences of ignoring that need are just as dire.” – Dr. Dean Ornish

Dean Ornish, MD, whose groundbreaking research proved that lifestyle changes could reverse heart disease without surgery or drugs, has an even more powerful prescription for health and long life: love and intimacy.

In his book Love and Survival, Dr. Ornish says that isolation is an epidemic in our culture. The breakdown of the old social structures of family, church and neighborhoods that provided earlier generations with a stable foundation of connection and community are giving rise to more loneliness, isolation and alienation, and a corresponding increase in heart disease, cancer, addictions, depression and many other illnesses of modern life.

Fewer people today stay in the same neighborhood (or even the same town) where they were born or grew up, live near their extended family, or stay at the same job with the same co-workers for much of their lives, as was common in past generations. Hectic job schedules and time-pressured lifestyles mean that even families living in the same house may have difficulty sharing meaningful time with one another. While technology can keep us connected with loved ones at a distance, it can also isolate us further. Chat rooms or internet relationships can numb loneliness, but without any emotional demands or the vulnerability necessary for real intimacy.

Loneliness and isolation increase the likelihood of engaging in unhealthy or self-destructive behaviors or lifestyles, but also have a powerful, and not fully understood, effect on our ability to avoid disease and maintain health. By buffering human beings to the destructive impact of stress, friendship and strong personal ties appear to strengthen our immune system, lower blood pressure, heart rate, and
cholesterol, and enhance our ability to heal from illness or injury.

Since 1979, dozens of studies have shown that people who have little social support have at least two to five times the risk of premature death from all causes, compared to those who have at least one strong intimate relationship. A Yale study of coronary patients showed that feelings of being loved and emotionally supported were important predictors of the severity of artery blockage, independent of diet, smoking, exercise, cholesterol, family history or other risk factors. Five-year follow-up studies of breast cancer patients who attended weekly support groups show that they lived on average twice as long as patients who did not attend support groups.

Healing connections

Love and intimacy are beneficial for both giver and recipient. We can only be intimate to the degree that we are willing to be open and vulnerable, and we can only be vulnerable to the degree we feel “safe,” that we can trust the person we're revealing ourselves to. This is why intimacy can be frightening for some, especially for those whose earliest experience of love and nurturing (with their parents) was less than ideal. “Our early childhood experiences do, to a large degree, define our capacity for intimacy as adults,” says Dr. Ornish. “But if we can understand this vital relationship between isolation and health and happiness, then we can make the changes necessary to overcome those limitations.”

“A sense of connectedness to others is absolutely essential for a happy, healthy life,” says Aurora EAP Director Cheryl Lipscomb, who presents workshops on “Creating a Life of Connectedness.” She refers to those deep, intimate connections that we have with some family members and close friends as “Refrigerator Rights” … a level of trust and comfort that even includes access to our refrigerator! Studies have shown that having even one such meaningful, truly intimate bond offers enormous benefits, more so than having dozens of more superficial relationships with people who don't know the “real” you.

“In healthy relationships people are interdependent, meaning there is mutual caring and respect, and a good balance between giving and receiving, somewhere between the neediness that characterizes co-dependence and the emotional detachment of someone unable to be intimate,” says Cheryl. “True friends make us feel valued, hopeful, useful, and less stressed, and when we do face illness or hardships in our lives, friends can help us cope and bounce back from adversity.”

While intimacy is usually thought of in terms of our relationships to others, Dr. Ornish expands the concept to include “anything that takes you out of the experience of feeling separate and only separate. It can be with a spouse or partner, with a friend, with a family member, even with a pet. It can be spiritual – prayer or meditation – anything that gives you the direct awareness that you're part of something larger that connects us all.”

Eight pathways to intimacy

There are many pathways to the love and intimacy that contribute so significantly to the quality (and length) of our lives. “Traveling your own path is more valuable than following in someone else's footsteps,” says Dr. Ornish, but these suggestions have been a useful starting point for many people.

• Communicate honestly and with compassion. Identify and express your true feelings, then listen carefully and acknowledge what the other person is feeling.
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• Group support provides a safe place to let down your emotional defenses and open your heart to others.
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• Confess and forgive (yourself and others). When you share your darkest secrets and mistakes with another person, you form a powerful and intimate bond.
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• Serve others. When you help others, you help yourself. Anything that helps us transcend the boundaries of separateness, even the smallest acts of compassion, are joyful and healing.
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• Get therapy if you need it. Many people get “stuck” in unresolved issues – such as childhood trauma, low self-esteem, or addictions – that prevent them from achieving true intimacy. A skilled therapist can help you get past these barriers.
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• Touching. Babies deprived of touch fail to grow and thrive. Adults also need caring physical contact with another person to stay physically and emotionally healthy.
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• Make a commitment. Paradoxically, commitment leads to real freedom, because it creates the safety you need to be vulnerable, and thus makes intimacy possible.
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• Meditation. By quieting your mind you can experience the peace that comes from simply being, not getting and doing. Meditation is another way of “transcending the boundaries of separateness” necessary for intimacy.

Intimacy does not come easily to everyone… and there are many aspects of modern life that foster isolation and loneliness. But it's never too late to address the difficulties that may be separating you from the joy of truly knowing, and being known by, another person. Your EAP can help you identify and resolve those issues that may be holding you back from a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Call your EAP at (414) 257-2124 or 1 (800) 236-3231