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Access Newsletter - Winter 2006

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Need help making a change?

Are you still keeping your New Year's resolutions? If you're like most people, you might be wavering by now. Every year, around 40 to 50 percent of Americans make a resolution, yet only 15 to 20 percent ultimately keep them.

Making a change is always a challenge. Many of us want to eat better, exercise more, quit smoking, stop drinking, get out of debt, learn something new, get organized, lessen stress, become a better spouse, parent, son or daughter . . . Why is it so difficult to change our behaviors for the better? What keeps us from being successful?

According to a University of Washington study seeking to understand the factors that best predict success in keeping New Year's resolutions, “The keys to making a successful resolution are a person's confidence that he or she can make the behavior change and the commitment to making that change.” The study further emphasizes
that, “Resolutions are a process, not a one-time effort . . .” In other words, change rarely happens overnight or in a single step. Those who understand and accept that may be more successful in their efforts.

If you're trying to make a change to improve yourself, you might want to read the book, Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward. Written by three psychologists, James Prochaska, John Norcross and Carlos DiClemente, the book details Prochaska's now-famous behavior model for helping people change for good. This step-by-step process can be adapted for nearly any major self-change ranging from quitting smoking and eating healthier to reducing stress and spending more time with family. The basis of Prochaska's theory is that there are six distinct stages—the phases people go through—to change troubling behavior. In order to achieve success, the individual must move consciously through each stage of change.

Six Stages of Change

Precontemplation. During this stage, you are not even considering a change. If you smoke or drink too much, for instance, you have absolutely no plans to quit.

Contemplation. During this stage, you are thinking about changing something and intend to take action within the next six months or so.

Preparation or Determination. Here, you are making specific plans to help ensure a successful behavior change. You join a health club to begin exercising, for example, or a support group to learn how to improve a specific health condition. You remove temptations like potato chips from your pantry, dump bottles of alcohol down the drain, or map out a new route to work so as not to pass by the bakery.

Action. In this stage, you are actually practicing your new behavior. You participate in aerobics classes, or go through an hour, a day, a week smoking less or not at all. If your goal is to spend more time with family, you play catch with your kids for an hour one day and make sure you're home on time for dinner another. You are working to make your actions a new habit and are constantly aware of your effort to change.

Maintenance. This is your continued, conscious commitment to permanent change. It doesn't mean that there won't be setbacks. Prochaska's theory recognizes an occasional relapse. You've been eating healthier for at least six months, for instance, then suddenly revert to your old ways while on vacation or over the holidays. The important thing is to recognize a relapse, put it behind you, and get right back on track.

Termination. This is the wonderful phase when you recognize that your overt behavior is completely behind you. You have the utmost confidence that you will never smoke again, or that exercise is now a routine part of your lifestyle. In Changing for Good, Prochaska warns that this confidence may peak around the one-year mark and that the temptation to revert back to old habits can continue for two or three more years. Knowing this will help you stay the course.

Little secrets to success

Edward Rubin, Psy.D., an EAP assessment counselor and a licensed psychologist at Aurora Sinai Medical Center in Milwaukee, recently spoke at an EAP workshop entitled, “Changing for the Better: How You Can Do It.” To help you through the challenge of change, Dr. Rubin offers the following advice:

• Before you start your attempt to change, make a detailed plan of action that includes how you will change and why.

• Focus on the personal costs of negative behaviors . . . weight gain from poor eating habits, the financial burden of buying cigarettes, the disappointment of your children when you miss their activities.

• Write down the pros and cons of trying to overcome your behavior problem. Note how the balance of the list adjusts as your ability to change surpasses your urge not to. When you begin to see the positive effects of exercise, for example, notice how the time it takes away from TV doesn't matter to you so much anymore.

• Reward yourself for progress. Note milestones and what you will do if and when you achieve them. Also keep in mind that some change is better than none. “Smoking half a pack of cigarettes a day is better than smoking a pack a day,” notes Dr. Rubin. “Give yourself credit for any change that you make. Become your own best cheerleader and don't give up. If you are unable to make the changes you want the first time, keep trying. It is rare that any of us learns to ride a bike the very first time we get on it. We lose our balance, fall off, skin our knees and try again until we get it right. What's important is that we “Keep getting back on the bike.”

Remember . . . change is a complex, step by step process. It rarely happens overnight. If you'd like to talk to an EAP professional regarding your progress, call 1 (800) 236-3231.

Parenting with Confidence and Common Sense

“It's tough to be a kid in today's world, even tougher to be the parent!” Barbara Henry is well aware of the challenges of parenting from both personal and professional perspectives. She has over 20 years experience as a licensed psychotherapist specializing in family therapy; she's also a mother and grandmother.

A member of the behavioral health team at Aurora Sheboygan Memorial Medical Center, Henry was the featured speaker at a recent Aurora EAP event entitled Parenting Your 2-12 Year Old with Confidence and Common Sense. Judging by the number of people who signed up to attend the free workshop, a lot of parents out there are looking for help.

“Parenting is complicated. We all want the best for our kids and our families, but sometimes it's difficult to know what to do,” says Henry. “I made plenty of mistakes raising my children,” she adds, wishing she had known then what she knows now. “Things have really changed,” she says in reference to parenting today. “As parents now, we
are so fortunate to know so much more about the developing child and the developing brain. It's as much psychology as science.”

That careful combination and its importance have made Henry a strong
proponent of a nationally-awarded approach to parenting called 1-2-3 Magic, developed by Thomas Phelan, PhD. Over the past 15 years, Henry has provided information about this program to numerous parents and caregivers. She emphasizes that the basics of 1-2-3 Magic aren't just for those struggling with extreme situations. The beauty of Phelan's principles is that they can be adapted to parenting concerns ranging from bedtime, chores and allowances to tantrums, sibling fights and out of control behavior. In fact, Henry believes that every adult can benefit from Phelan's guidance to improve their skills and become more effective parents, grandparents and caregivers.

Phelan's theories are the basis for Henry's own “10 Principles of Effective Parenting.” Although she developed the list particularly for parents of children ages 2 to 12, many of the principles are applicable to people of all ages . . . including “grownups!”

Ten Principles of Effective Parenting

1. Don't argue. Use little talk, and less emotion. Focus on the facts and keep it short and simple. Children do not think cognitively at our level, so getting into a long lecture about the virtues of something is not going to work. Getting emotional doesn't help either. It reinforces the child's behavior. When children get a big bang out of their parents, it's almost a guarantee that the behavior that caused it will be repeated.

2. Be consistent. Establish expectations, rules and consequences in the family. Develop a plan, make sure to let your children know about it, and follow through. Never quite knowing what to expect is disturbing, distracting and frustrating for kids. Children thrive on consistency. They feel stable when they know what the rules and boundaries are. They appreciate understanding the consequences.

3. Present a united front. Children love to divide and conquer their caregivers. It's a natural instinct. They intuitively sense when parents are not on the same page and use it to their advantage. Whenever possible in dealing with a problematic situation, sit down together and open the conversation with something like this: “Daddy and I have been talking about how things are going in the family lately and we have made some decisions . . .”

4. Don't expect kids to be little adults. This expands on the first principle. It's important that parents understand the developmental stages of their children and how they think. Rational thinking rarely happens before the age of 15, so expecting kids to understand all the whys and hows is not reasonable. When explaining a new rule or consequence, it's okay for parents to simply state something like, “It's because your mother and I have decided on this.”

5. Create opportunities for kids to be responsible. Once things begin to get better following difficult behavior, children should be given chances to prove themselves again. Here, it's important to pay attention to the abilities of your children and be sure that there are sufficient opportunities for them to demonstrate behavior change.

6. Catch kids being good. To borrow a phrase from Phelan, “sloppy praise” is best. In other words, be casual, don't go overboard in giving your children compliments. “Nice game!” is better than: “You're the best player on your team!” Praise that is too intense inadvertently sets up scenarios for a child that will be very difficult to top. Sloppy praise, on the other hand, just lets everyone enjoy the moment without the pressure of future expectations.

7. Let expectations and dreams grow with your child. We live in a culture today where many parents have planned out their children's lives for them. “He's the athlete; She's a scholar, etc.” This is dangerous. Parents need to let their children lead the way instead of creating preconceived ideas for them.

8. Recognize your child's “test” pattern. Almost all children will develop one of six “specialties” to get their way. Knowing how they can test you will help you put a stop to it. 1. Badgering; 2.
   Intimidation or tantrum; 3. Threats (“I'm running away.”); 4. Martyrdom (pouting, crying, not talking); 5. Sweetness and light, promises and love; 6. Physical (destructive behavior to themselves or someone else).

9. Let siblings work out differences as much as possible. One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is getting involved in sibling disagreements. Sibling battles are a quite natural, primitive behavior for children. Part of their development involves being able to work it out on their own. Parents who interfere by “investigating” the situation, punishing the perpetrator, rewarding the victim, etc., are creating subtle but lasting hurt. Instead, let it always be known to siblings that if you feel there's a problem that needs to be corrected, both children will get timed out, no questions asked.

10. If you follow these 10 principles, have fun! Effective parenting leads to a more “sane” household where parents can enjoy being parents. Take time to appreciate what you have accomplished in your efforts to turn your home into a calm, nurturing environment.

Recommended book:
1-2-3 Magic, Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
By Thomas Phelan, PhD
Published by Parent Magic, Inc.,
Glen Ellyn, Illinois

Resources for parents
The Aurora Employee Assistance Program offers a variety of services to help parents deal with both the special and everyday concerns of parenting. If you'd like more information, guidance or special services to help you become a more effective parent, call your EAP at 1 (800) 236-3231.

Winter blahs

How long was that stretch without sunshine last month? It's no small wonder that people are feeling a little lethargic these days! Symptoms of winter blahs include irritability, loss of energy, headaches, frustration, sadness, decreased concentration, anxiety, and a sense of being overwhelmed. To help relieve your seasonal symptoms, the Aurora EAP offers the following tips:

• Find ways to recreate the holiday spirit you had just a few weeks ago. Going to church, focusing on the positive, donating time as a volunteer, getting together with neighbors, dressing up . . . these are things you can do any time of the year.

• If you've been a couch potato and/or overindulging on sugar, salt, fats and alcohol, get back on track now. Regaining control will help you feel better about yourself.

• Dress for the weather and take a brief, brisk walk every day—during your lunch break or after work is especially stress relieving and energizing.

• Increase your water consumption. Many people feel fatigued because they are dehydrated.

• Indulge in activities and moments just for you—a massage, a bubble bath, a lit candle, a cup of tea and a good book . . . Plan ahead to give yourself something to look forward to.

• Start researching and planning your next vacation.

• Last but not least, forgive yourself for your abandoned New Year's resolutions! If you really want to change something, commit to a fresh start with a better plan.